I was amused earlier by this blog post about parent tribes at the school gates. So here is a tribute piece from me about mums on the internet. (I am afraid I may be in several of these tribes at once…)
Mum Tribes on the Internet
- The ‘blessed’
These women appear to exist in a heightened emotional state of love at all times. They share inspirational photos on Facebook and make public declarations to their 1-year-old, like “My darling Abigail, I am so blessed to have you in my life. I thank god for you every single day.” (They may well be on prozac).
- The FML gang
Prevalent in online communities like Livejournal, these women only ever blog when they’re angry. A typical update will inform you that their partner is a lazy b****rd, their kids are out of control and they’ve got their f***ing period again. (They could probably do with some prozac)
- Armchair Campaigners
These women write journalistic blogs about feminism, education and topical parenting issues. They are highly active on Mumsnet and get angry when people on twitter say “Happy international women’s day.” (It’s not a holiday, dammit, it’s a day for discussion of serious women’s issues!)
- Fantasy lifers
These women spend their daily work commute on Pinterest, creating pinboards full of beautiful nursery decor, cute storage ideas, twee ways to cut up vegetables and rainy day crafts. In reality they never have the time to carry out any of these ideas and their house is a tip. [cough]
- Ladies who lunch
These women describe themselves with pride as “yummy mummies”. Usually stay-at-home mums with full time au pairs, they tweet about shoes, cocktails and their need for “me time”, despite spending 60% of each day in salons and coffee shops. Their parenting blogs rarely mention their children.
These women like to reminisce about the ’90s and are prone to sharing faux polaroids of themselves glamping on Instagram. Their children have regulation shoulder-length hair and wear Bench kidswear. They see it as a mark of pride that their 3 year old sings along to Paul Weller in the campervan.
- The importance of being earnest
These women see motherhood as the highest calling of womankind. Their desire to be unjudgmental conflicts with their heartfelt parenting beliefs so they hide online in forums full of like minded people, debating home schooling and swapping recipes for breastmilk cookies.
- Routine junkies
These women bought a rule book on parenting and follow it to the letter. Their highest goal is to be the first in their NCT group to achieve the nirvana of “sleeping through”. They have an emotional breakdown if someone knocks on the door during scheduled nap time and their blogs are little more than daily logs of sleep, food and nappies.
- Compulsive bloggers
These women [cough cough] spend far too much time online or behind a camera lens, composing wry mental observations about their own lives. When minor disasters and child meltdowns occur, they find themselves torn between rescuing their child or taking a photo for an amusing blog post. The blog usually wins.
- Silent ninjas
These women don’t trust the internet enough ever to post anything but nevertheless enjoy lurking online to read other people’s updates, especially those that make them feel quietly superior. On the rare occasions that they pass comment, they favour the ‘grandma’ route of sending a private email.
- The Casual Facebooker
Yeah… pretty much everyone else falls into this category. After all, what could be more important at the start of the 21st Century than “liking” snapshots of your friends’ kids and talking about what’s for dinner? NOTHING, I tell you!