Snot, meth-heads and other tales of childhood

Those of you who haven’t seen us for a few weeks should count yourselves lucky as ‘Casa Microbe’ has been true to its name, with all three of us in lurgy overdrive.

Washday has become an exercise in removing encrusted green snail-trails from every tiny sleeve. In fairness to the microbe, he doesn’t actually like having snot on his sleeve but, so far, we’ve only managed to train him to fetch a tissue – not to actually use it. The very concept of blowing his nose seems to confound him utterly. Hence we are treated, every 8 seconds, to a wail of “I’ve got snot agaaaaaain!”.

Still, we all seem to be on the upward curve now and the boy is back at nursery. On that topic, G made me laugh earlier with his observation that one of the microbe’s little pals (who is a bit of a bruiser but doesn’t really speak yet) seems to have become a bunny-boiler who clobbers other children with books if they come near James and stands over him and watches intently while he eats his breakfast. I am picturing a silent, todder-sized terminator. *creepy*  (Whatever makes them happy).

Yesterday Jimmy decided to show his newfound high spirits by standing outside someone’s house and singing “Daddy wouldn’t buy me a bow wow” at top volume. (Poor, dear microbe, there are so few certainties in life, but I can tell you this one. Daddy will never buy you a bow wow.)

His other favourite song these days is The Animals Went in Two By Two, which he demands endlessly on Youtube. In honour of this, we spent yesterday afternoon making Noah’s Ark biscuits.  This was an activity that started in a burst of optimistic enthusiasm and rapidly made me lose the will to live, once I realised how many different icing colours and piping bags you need to make in order to ice 12 different lifeforms to the microbe’s satisfaction.

The result is that I never want to see icing again and the microbe now has approximately 2 kilos of radioactive material to put away…

Another of our recent ‘craft’ efforts was Eggheads-to-Methheads, in three easy stages.

Stage 1 – newborn eggheads. Bless their innocent little faces


Stage 2 – hair!  This was highly gratifying, because the cress only took 3 or 4 days to grow from seed (alas, their makeup didn’t really last the course)


Stage 3 – total meltdown!  A few weeks later – all of our offspring have turned into meth heads. Such is life.


Moving on…

I made the mistake of reading the internet the other day and was reminded why it is a good idea never to venture onto parenting forums. If you thought that New York parents were famous for being pushy and competitive, you haven’t meet the ‘moms’ of Washington DC, whose humourless twuntery appears to know no bounds.

When they’re not busy lamenting the fact that their 4 year olds can’t do long division, they’re waging gang warfare over what sort of cup toddlers drink out of.

From the reaction to the daring admission by a few parents that their three year-olds still like to drink their bedtime milk from a bottle, I am assuming this must be considered a form of child abuse in the USA:

“Wow, this is totally shocking to me”
“3 year olds still have bedtime bottles???”
“Were your kids also still on pacifiers at 2 or 3? Who is in charge here???”
“It’s just a different form of laziness.”
“Are you a working mom?” (classy dig!)
“Why don’t just kill yourself?” (I may have made that last one up)

Another woman wrote in to complain lightheartedly that her 5 year old ate all the cheese, and got this lovely reply:

“Why don’t you set rules for her? What kind of a parent comes online to complain about her daughter by saying “wtf”? You sound like a teenager.”

Last but not least, I spotted this boggling question from someone who is either a massive troll or hasn’t learned to tie her shoelaces yet…

“What does it mean when a mother says she has no husband? Usually single moms say they are divorced. This one mom said she had no husband. Does that mean her child is adopted or that she was artificially inseminated?”

I think I’ll stick to the irreverent hag’s nest that is Mumsnet. Oh great land of penis beakers and mums whose toddlers make them kiss goodnight to the Argos catalogue.

Well I suppose that’s enough rambling from me.

Good evening all x


About Susan Flockhart

Bonsai lady-geek and blogger. I can hardly recall what I used to blog about pre-microbes, but these days I generally ramble about motherhood, nonsense and whatever's going on the world of tiny people
This entry was posted in Motherhood. Bookmark the permalink.

2 Responses to Snot, meth-heads and other tales of childhood

  1. Margaret Masters says:

    Hello dear Sue You are a wondrous mother – what patience!! I love these updates about gorgeous James – he is a very lucky boy! Hope to see you before too long. Lots of love Margaret XXX Date: Mon, 24 Feb 2014 19:13:22 +0000 To:

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