The Abridged Internet for Parents

Parents, do you feel good about yourselves? If so, stop that right now. You clearly haven’t been paying enough attention to the internet. And, in case you don’t have time to read every article on the Daily Fail/Parent Dish et al, here’s an abridged summary of why you suck at parenting

Working mum?
Internet says: What do you want, an award? I’m sure your child loves the fact that you paid someone else to bring them up. NOT

Stay at home mum?
Internet says: What do you want, an award? Enjoy your day swivelling about in coffee shops, while Emmeline Pankhurst spins in her grave.

Kids tucked up in bed at 7 on the dot?
Internet says: Screw you and your rigid lifestyle. I bet you never go to parties. Have you learned nothing from the rest of Europe?

Kids stay up until random o’clock?
Internet says: Screw you and your bohemian lifestyle. They should be in bed! Do you actually want them to grow up French?

Didn’t breast feed?
Internet says: You totally fail at motherhood, you junk-pushing child abuser. Your child will grow up wrong.

Breast fed for more than 6 months?
Internet says: Ugh! “Bitty!” Your child will grow up disturbed.

Facebooking on your phone while your kid plays at toddler group?
Internet says: Shame on you! You should be watching your child. Parenting isn’t a part-time job, you know.

Watching your child’s every move during toddler groups?
Internet says: Jesus – give them some space, you helicopter-parenting freak.

Child loves eating?
Internet says: Hey, fatty, you and your obese kid are everything that’s wrong with our society. I’m calling the Daily Mail.

Child refuses to eat?
Internet says: You clearly failed at baby-led weaning. I bet your malnourished kid ends up on ‘Freaky Eaters” by the age of ten

Your child has an iPad?
Internet says: You epitomise modern parenting gone wrong. They should be out climbing trees, not holed up indoors with a digital babysitter.

Your child doesn’t have an iPad?
Internet says: What are you, Amish? Good luck preparing your child for the modern world, you Luddite.

Signed up for Toddler French lessons?
Internet says: Ugh – pushy parent alert. What is this, New York?

Didn’t sign up for Toddler French?
Internet says: Do you actually want your child to work in McDonald’s?

You win at controlled crying?
Internet says: Well done. Your child cries herself to sleep, you heartless excuse for a parent. Did you not read the books? You’re Doing It Wrong!

Couldn’t face controlled crying?
Internet says: No wonder your 3 year old still climbs into your bed at night, you lax excuse for a parent. Did you not read the books? You’re Doing It Wrong!

Still wheeling your 3 year old about in a pushchair?
Internet says: Well done, your child will grow up obese and brain damaged.

Cluttering up the pavement with your dawdling, meandering children?
Internet says: You are one of the reasons why everyone hates kids.

Yummy mummy?
Internet says: Well get you and your “me time”. It must be nice to spend all day in a nail bar while you palm your kid off on the au pair, you self-centred cow.

Not a yummy mummy?
Internet says: Ugh – just because you’re a mum you don’t have to turn into a hag. Talk about letting the side down. How do you even leave the house looking like that?

Oh, and one last thing, parents… how about NOT filling up everyone else’s Facebook timeline with your endless blog posts about poo, smug “proud mummy” statuses and snapshots of your fugly kids?  Didn’t you know that the internet was made for CATS?

Well, I’m glad we’ve cleared that up.  Now off you pop to commit hari-kari.  I’ll be right with you.

Happy weekend, all! 🙂


About Susan Flockhart

Bonsai lady-geek and blogger. I can hardly recall what I used to blog about pre-microbes, but these days I generally ramble about motherhood, nonsense and whatever's going on the world of tiny people
This entry was posted in Motherhood, Silliness. Bookmark the permalink.

2 Responses to The Abridged Internet for Parents

    • 🙂 Pre-microbe I had literally NO IDEA how much opinion parents are on the receiving end of every day. (Woke up to yet another debate on TV over whether mums who go back to work might be causing behavioural problems *eyeroll*)

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